Praise Report part 1

it was 2012 when i first entered inside a church. I was invited by my fishing mate who attended a church at Aljunied. He told me that there is a magic tricks lesson going on at the sunday. Being interested with these such things, i agreed and went with him. The lessons were great as i learned new tricks that jumpstarted my interests on magic tricks by a bit. And then, it was when i was approached by a church member there, Adeline. She invited to attend some classes about God and creation. Okay, let me rewind back a bit to before i was invited to any churches. At that point of my life, i started to feel bored about my life. I felt that is something to this life that i am having now. I often asked myself, "what is the purpose of me living on this earth?" and "why am i myself and not someone else? Why am I being Remus and not Edmund?" And so i agreed to attend these classes and found out who God is and the other "basics" of Christianity, like "He is the Creator, I am His creation of Life," etc. I didn't really know God for who He is at that time. So, Adeline prompted me with a question again:"do you want to know more about this God and accept Him into my life?" I don't really know what did that mean at that time. But i said "yes." And she told me to say a prayer after her. At first i was resilient, but she told me not to worry as it will be life-changing after that. So i closed my eyes and prayed as she said. And as i opened my eyes after the prayer, expecting a unknown force or energy to empower me or something. But there was nothing. Adeline asked me how do i feel. But my answer is "i dun feel different in any ways." She laughed and told me "Don't worry.. You will find it soon. But as true as she sounds, there was a change going through my inner self which i didn't noticed.
Days followed by weeks passed, i had faithfully attended the classes which they called it "New Life". After that i would attend for their evening services. However, i didn't attend them with a joyful heart. It is because, i was living with lies, lies to cover on where i am going on a sunday to my Buddhists parents. I had hinted them about my Christianity yet they were so strongly objective about it till to the extent that they warned me not to be one. I was frightened by it.
These went on till it was finally school term breaks. I ran out of excuses to go out(as most of my excuses were going out to study with them). Before I knew it, I found myself stopped going to those classes and services. Reasons were, i was afraid that my parents will find out it and give me a lashing, and I distracted by earthly pleasure like gaming till i felt like using my precious time to play my game and not waste time to go out and "risk my life" being scolded by my parents. Of course, my disciplers noticed about this and asked me persistently why i had not be attending classes and church. I don't know what to tell them, i spoke to them about my problems and all they did was to tell me to pray about it. I know by knowledge that prayers are communications to God but i do not have the intimacy to do so. Slowly my heart got harden and I took offences of what disciplers wanted to tell me as against me.
As you see, even I attended church and all, I still fall from God. This is because i do not know Him personally. What i learnt about God is so general, textbook-based. But i failed to go intimate with Him, to know Him personally.
Life went on for me after that. But it was very different without God in the picture. I remember i was a very sensitive and emotional guy. Not only that, i was closed up to myself and won't express myself freely. And due to bad experiences with people in the past, i had a grudge on humanity. Funny as it sounds, but i had really a hatred on humans even through i am a human myself. However, my problems didn't stop there. Ever since i learned how to hate, there was a part of me looking for love again. But in a worldly matter. I started to look for love in boy/girl relationships. And when i was rejected, i would beat myself with condemning thoughts. I remember i started to have a crush on this girl i like in the class. And this particular worldly love started to cause me to woo her but to no avail, as it struck me as i realised that she had a partner already. As the time to despair, my mind was at war, parts of me feel anger, hatred and condemnation trying to fill up my heart, the other parts of me was consorting myself, telling me it's fine, it's alright. I would display a smile to everyone to show them that i am "okay". And for a very long time i being struggling with these angels and devils inside me.
I remember it was year 3 and the new batch of juniors came into the cca i was in. My cca was to deliver meals to the less fortunate and the elderly. I like that cca because it is quite peaceful and really nice to see their smiling faces as they got their meals. And importantly, my crush was in that cca too. the work is to deliver food to the different areas of toa payoh. So we spilt the cca group into teams, pairs or sometimes solo if there is low of manpower. So i will be looking forward to be able to pair with my crush so that i could chat with her, to be with her. And at the ending mid of the year, new juniors came into the cca. And i took notice of a particular girl who i found myself attracted to. My heart started to waver. At one time, i am lucky to be able pair with the one of the juniors to show her the roots. We introduced each other and talked as i showed her the roots. My impression of her is a caring girl who has a bad cough and sorethroat. Yup, i was indeed attracted to her. Even my crush could see i was attracted to her. We even talked to each other via texting. And something stunning to me happened, she invited to her church. At that point i was hesitant but since she said she was going to share about her praise report, i agreed to go and support her. Then she invited to have lunch with her churchmates or lifegroup mates. And so i said okay since i have nothing to do at home on a saturday afternoon.
And so it came, Saturday afternoon, I prepared myself and headed to the specific location to have lunch with them. As I reached that, i was stunned. There was so many people having lunch together! I found them uniquely special, there is an atmosphere around them that is so different than who i hang around with. And something inside me that wanted to be in their clique. They are really friendly and heart-warming. And so we finished our lunch and headed to the church. As i inched closer and closer to the exterior of the church, i was nervous of how is this church going to be like. And then i was stunned for the second time as i stepped inside the hall. I was unsure if i had entered the right place. The atmosphere are dimmed with laser lights all over the place. It was like as if i entered a club. But the atmosphere is way different than what it seems. The worship started and their own band started to play catchy praise and worship songs. I looked around in surprise, everyone is jumping and raising their hands into the air! So hyped up and on fire! And i felt it, a presence so strong that i was shaking. And I wasn't feeling cold or anything. After the songs, came the next thing that i came for. The girl praise report, and i was stunned for the third time again. I realised that she has a bit of speech deficiency and how did she remains so joyful as i saw her? And i realised she had a boyfriend and he was the one who brought her to church. I was stunned for the fourth time and everything seems silent. Thoughts came into my mind but in my own surprise, they were not the usual negative thoughts i used to have. But rather, it was like someone is talking to me. Telling me i had been searching for love at the wrong place all the time. The true love is God. Despite i rejected God at first, He has been planning to bring me back to Him. Knowing that I tend to find love in boy/girl relationship, He sent the my cca junior to invite me to church, inviting me back to Him. This is the first intimate moment i had with Him. I was touched, my heart melted and cried. But i didn't display it on myself. On that day, i rededicated my life back to Christ again. But this time i felt that my life from then on will start to transform.